Here are the actual reasons I’m not totally stressed out about hosting Thanksgiving this year.
- I’m not making the turkey, technically, thanks Torrie!
- I’m not making the desserts, technically. Thanks, Monique!
- I’m making Stove Top stuffing, because it’s delicious. It’s also super simple to make .
Ok, so now that I’ve been completely honest, there are still quite a lot of things that could make a person feel stressed out when hosting a holiday, even when said person is not in charge of the actual meal.
Like, cleaning bathrooms, putting toys away, creating a festive environment, having enough plates and utensils and condiments, and oven space.
But, I’m not going to stress out about those things – at least not like I would have in days past.
When Shawn and I were first married, having people to our home was super stressful for me. Was the house clean enough? Did we have enough food? What about drinks? Enough places for people to sit? Did the house look sufficiently un-lived in to host people? Were the trashcans empty?
It caused some strife – because I wondered why Shawn didn’t care about these things. Like the time I heard him yukking it up with our neighbor while I was inside preparing for the St. Patrick’s Day party we were having at his suggestion – I was pretttty agitated, but he didn’t understand why.
I’m going to go ahead and chalk it up to gender differences, to be honest.
Generally speaking – because of course there are always exceptions -men just don’t seem to care that much if the house is clean, or if there is enough food when people are coming over. And you know what, they usually don’t make any comments about these things when in other people’s homes either. And they are better off for it.
But that kind of attitude takes a concerted effort for women, at least, for a lot of women that I know, including myself.
Since having children and embracing what I am not, though, entertaining has become significantly less stressful for me. I’ve embraced what I am not – a great housekeeper or event planner – and I’ve tried to take a page from Shawn’s book.
The book of ‘what’s the big deal’ and ‘they are coming to hang out, not judge us’, and I’ve adopted some mindsets that help decrease stress related to hosting people in our home.
The book of ‘what’s the big deal’ and ‘they are coming to hang out, not judge us’, and I’ve adopted some mindsets that help decrease stress related to hosting people in our home.
We enjoy having people to our home for holidays, and any day, and I had to make the decision that that would not come at the price of my mental health.
Everyone wants to have that Norman Rockwell holiday – but that’s a painting, it ain’t reality. And even if we have pictures to prove that we re-created that scene in our own homes, we all know that there is more going on than what meets the eye.
Take a look at this, one of my favorite photographs of my grandfather.
I just loved him to pieces, love the home that he built with my grandma, and love the holidays we spent all together around their dining room table. But I know just moments before this picture he was cursing about something or yelling at my grandma (with love of course).
I also know that while I absolutely cherish memories from holidays spent with family, I also remember dreading many of those holidays – not because there was anything wrong with what was going on, or the food wasn’t fantastic (it always was), but for any myriad of other reasons – not the least of which could have been being a teenager, not wanting a barrage of questions from well-meaning relatives, and not enjoying chit chat.
Ok, so this year Thanksgiving is in my home – the home my grandfather built and where almost all of my holiday memories reside.
Sure, I feel a bit of pressure to live up to the holidays of past, where my grandparents were running the show, the food was plenty, the Italian music was flowing, and no one could hear themselves think, or fit around the table …. But, I’m not my grandparents. I’m not doing any of the cooking, and I’m not stressing out about the state of the house. I live here with three kids, a husband, and a grandma. Ain’t nobody got time for turning a happy holiday into a stressfest.
Here is how I plan to do it avoid it.
- Choose my battles.
One of my grandmother’s caregivers, Torrie, is making our turkey. I didn’t ask her to, but she wanted to. Not gonna fight that one, I’m not an idiot. Thanks Torrie! Monique, who you may remember from the eclair post is heading up desserts. Again, not an idiot, thanks Monique! My mom listed off a bunch of side dishes that she is going to make. Great, thanks mom!
I could have insisted on ‘proving’ that I am capable of doing all of that on my own, but why? Choose your battles people, accept offers of help.
- Focus on what is important.
I’m going to say that if housekeeping is not your thing, like me, just make sure the bathroom is clean and I feel like everything else is pretty forgivable. Am I going to clean up the toys and vacuum, probably, yes. Are people going to notice if I don’t? Probably not. If it’s Thursday morning and I am feeling a bit crazy, I may have to let some of the to-do’s go. And no one but me (and ok, Shawn, since I will probably lament to him) will know, or care.
I’m hoping to spend Thursday relaxed, spending time with my kids and family. (Ok, it’s going to be a lot easier since I’m not cooking – but I’m telling you, having people to our home could be super stressful in its own right, without the cooking!)
- Remember who I’ve invited and why, and keep my expectations realistic
For me, everyone who will be here on Thursday is family, or close enough. I’ve invited them for this reason. They’ve all been to this home numerous times, and (I think) they all know and love me, Shawn, the kids, and grandma. They know the deal – we live in chaos. This is no longer the quiet home of two independent elderly people. It’s a home of people “2 to 92”, just like the song. If they are expecting a scene from a Rockwell painting, or a perfectly clean and organized home – they are going to be disappointed.
But that’s on them, not me.
Even if my guests might have unrealistic expectations (which I don’t think they do), I am going to have realistic expectations for myself.
This is going to be ‘A day of Chaos, featuring Thanksgiving dinner’ – you can see the beginnings of our pieced together table, with real life all over it, below. And I’m ok with that.
How do you approach hosting at the holidays?
This is a great article! I have always enjoyed the numerous times we have been invited to the Quinns and always find it to be a welcoming, relaxed, (albeit chaotic), but most importantly fun time! You both are great hosts and make me want to host more events at my house to bring family and friends together, because at the end of the day, that is what life is all about right? I do definitely feel the self imposed pressure to get the house organized and clean, but also remind myself that i live with two little boys that are constantly in mess making mode. I have relaxed on my expectations of what the holidays and hosting entail and this blog post gave me some great points to remember as we become the next generation, ultimately responsible for keeping traditions alive and family gatherings a part of the holidays! Best of luck my friend!
Jamie, thank you for reading and for your thoughtful comments 🙂 I wish us both a relaxed and enjoyable holiday!!